date
entry
17-08-2024
adverse childhood experiences have me out here ruminating over whether i'm prepared for a "survival situation" at all times
15-08-2024
got to go to work i love my job but man i am still sick! not snotting everywhere quite so bad (congestion eased up today 4 the first time without decongestant spray) but just out of it, only took half my adhd meds this morning, dreading going on the bus because it will be overwhelming, also nauseous. i just want to be baby is that so much to ask (yes, unfortunately i'm an adult now and can never be baby again, all i can do is grieve being robbed of being baby when i was baby).
14-08-2024
didn't go out after all. feeling sorrow looking at tamagotchi listings on ebay. just a normal old one like the ones i had, v3-5 go for $80-$500 easily. i feel so much anger at myself for throwing that stuff away. but i also know i didn't have much of a choice. i couldn't take everything when i left home. i knew anything i left could be thrown away. i hated the way my graveyard of toys was held over my head as this sign that i was always taken great care of, what did i have to cplain about. i still remember the day i got my first tamagotchi and i was being a brat wanting to get the hunchback of notre dame dvd the same day so my mum got both to shut me up then wouldn't let me hear the end of it. i think she even sadi if i couldn't choose i couldn't get either and i lost it. i still feel like it's my fault that my family are poor because of "behaviour like that". but i was just a child. she could have said no. even if i had a tantrum. or spent the money but forgiven me. sought other help if parenting was so overwhelming. i always feel so stupid for the choices i've made. like if i was a better person i wouldn't ave asked for too much when i was 7, or got rid of them and then i'd either be able to draw a line to my childhood that could ground me now, or sell them for some much needed cash. but who decids what to do with their tamagothics with an abundance of foresight? i'm so tired of feeling to blame for everything that's happened. i didn't deserve it.
14-08-2024
haven't left the house in ages because of being sick and the rain. about to go to dylan's parents' place but dreading it on some level even though it gets me outside. wish i could exercise to feel alive.